Happy New Year!

This post is a bit premature, as it's only 10:35p.m. in my neck of the woods, but I figure since I'm already on my second glass of wine (and feeling it!) I should probably get this post in the books before I lose the hand/eye coordination to efficiently do so.

As I tweeted a bit earlier, 2011 was really good to me (even if my posts here lead you to believe otherwise). I graduated from an amazing law school, studied my butt off for the bar, passed the bar, and accepted a job with one of the top firms in Michigan. I really can't complain... too much. But with that said, I'm expecting 2012 to be even better! So, I decided instead of doing resolutions that I may or may not keep, I would write out a list of things I want from 2012. And because I have no filter, I've decided to share this list, in its entirety, with all of you. Without further ado...

What I want from 2012

1. To use my fear as inspiration to ROCK this new job!

2. To try new things I'm uncomfortable with, just to say I did. Who knows, I may love it!

3. Get down to, and stay at, 180 pounds.

4. Save heartily (but spend frivolously at least once a quarter).

5. Go on a date.

6. Fall in love, even if only for a week. :)

7. Take a trip somewhere I've never been before.

8. Don't be afraid to SHINE!

9. Visit DC, Atlanta, and Chicago --> Nourish my friendships!

10. Do something really nice and unexpected for Mommy.

11. Become familiar with and comfortable navigating downtown.

12. Laugh more, and sweat the small stuff less.

13. Be wholly, unequivocally, undeniably, unapologetically ME!

If I don't get to everything, that's totally ok, but at least it gives me something to strive for.

In the spirit of full disclosure, after reading this blog, I also wrote out a list of everything I could possibly want in a man. Now, clearly no man on this overcrowded, polluted, amazing, beautiful earth is going to have everything on this (extensive) list, but it's nice to really think about what's important to me, what I'm looking for superficially, and what I actually don't need. At midnight I'm going to burn both lists, kind of as a way to get them into the atmosphere. Anyway, I'm not going to recreate the "Man" list for you guys in total here because, crazy as it may seem, I do have some pride, but I will leave you with a few randomly selected excerpts:

2. NICE. To me, to others, to strangers, and to himself.

6. Thinks I'm beautiful, and makes me think so too.

11. Has. A. Job. (with opportunity for advancement)

13. Comes from a good, solid, stable family (who love me!)

21. Unselfish in all things

25. Sexy --> Makes me nervous and gives me butterflies.

28. Engaged in the democratic process.

34. Likes my friends, and vice versa.

40. Faithful

Before I get out of here, I just want to say a really big thank you to everyone who has read this little corner of the internets, commented, left me a facebook message, emailed, texted, stopped me in person, whatever! I'm so glad to know I'm not the only one hiding their crazy from the masses, and I promise to expose more of my crazy (and less of my emo) in the new year. Love y'all!

Happy New Year guys, hope 2012 brings you all you desire!

S.

Perhaps I Spoke Too Soon...

...Because I just got offered that job I interviewed for.

Whoop!

Knowing that I'll be able to pay some bills takes a huge weight off my back and definitely put a smile back on my face.

Lord, don't let me mess this up. Also Lord, this might be rather superficial, but please don't let me turn into one of those weird, socially awkward, lawyer types. I'm too cute for all that. Shudder.

S.

Revelations

Last night I dreamt I was in some amazing Old World European country where I had to climb over the roofs of buildings and move this huge block of cement in order to shimmy into this dark cavern that led to the best party I'd ever been to.

Don't be jealous of my imagination.

So, that was pretty cool. But during the dream, I got drunk. Like really, really, rip-roaring drunk. Off whiskey sours. Is it even possible to get that drunk off whiskey sours??? Anywho... I was drunker than I've ever come anywhere close to being in real life (which really wouldn't be that difficult seeing as how I've only ever been drunk like twice in my life). And that would have been cool too, except that when I woke up my first thoughts were getting that drunk sounds like a really good idea. I wish I could get that drunk right now.

That scared me.

Then I went and weighed myself and I had gained an additional 2.5lbs from the 1lb I gained last week, putting me up from my low of 189 back to 192.5 and I didn't even have the capacity to be upset. I just laughed because WHAT THE FUCK. Even though I do yoga regularly and I just ran somewhere near a 12 minute mile (a whole mile! Without stopping!) for the first time, I still gained weight. But I just didn't have it in me to be upset about it.

That concerned me.

And I had this job interview that I think (thought?) went well, so I sent them my references and a writing sample two weeks ago at their request, and then I got a call from the firm on Monday saying that my information had mistakenly not been sent to the hiring partner and he wouldn't have a chance to look at it until Thursday. Which means he probably won't make a decision until next week. Which means my Christmas wish for a job won't come true, and I'll have to return this gorgeous dress I bought (being confident that I would have a job in the near future... that was probably a really dumb move) in order to pay my bills.

Not so much fun.

The other day I decided I needed to stop watching Lifetime/Oxygen/ABC Family Christmas romance movies because they all have happy endings and I'm currently living through a demonstrably non-happy ending, especially in regards to my completely, utterly, not even a little bit existent love life. Same goes for romance books, which if you know me, is basically like me telling you I'm going to start hanging around with rich, White, conservatives for fun. Shit makes no sense. And yet, I'm actually gonna stop. The book I previewed on Amazon last night about vaginas and other gynecological concerns (google pelvic prolapse. Please.) was pretty interesting. So, with all that said...

I think I'm depressed.

S.

On Music.

I used to really enjoy music. No, scratch that-- I used to LOVE music. I had fancy color-coordinated CD towers in my room filled with all the coolest and most up to date music available. And then CDs went out and iPods came in and I totally got one of those and filled it up with all kinds of cool and diverse music: Nina Simone, Karl Jenkins, Alicia Keys, Crystal Kay, Usher, Common... you name it, I had it or something close to it. I loved my music, and my music loved me.

But then, things changed.

Somewhere along the line, some fool person decided it wasn't enough to just like music. Nay, it wasn't enough to LOVE music. No, unless you were a complete douche about music, you clearly had no freaking idea what you were talking about and might as well spend your time listening to the rhythmic click of an old school typewriter. Somehow, it became too little to simply listen to what you liked, or nod your head to what came on the radio, or stumble upon some song in an old movie that you happened to fall in love with. No, listening to music became a job.

You must seek out new music. Listen to what comes on the radio? Kill yourself. Slowly. In a very painful manner. DON'T YOU KNOW NOTHING GOOD COMES ON THE RADIO ANYMORE? Listen to old music? Unless you found a .45 in a dusty bin in the drafty corner of that out of the way music/corner/medical marijuana store, your find is null and void and you might as well shoot yourself in the kneecap. Listen to what you like? Only acceptable if only 1/10 of the U.S. population knows who the artist is and of those only 3.9% enjoy the music. Otherwise, you shall be banished to a small windowless room and subjected to white noise torture in the form of J. Cole, Childish Gambino (really, people? REALLY? When he comes out with a song entitled "I got all you fools to call me Immature Baby and you fell for it", don't come crying to me.), Iggy Azalea, and Jean Grae.

You must not enjoy popular music. Unless you're in the club. And you're drunk. Because everyone knows the regular rules don't apply when you're drunk in the club. In those limited circumstances, feel free to shake, wind, and roll all you want to Beyonce', Drake, Rick Ross... wait, Rick Ross actually gets a pass from like everybody. He's essentially the fat baby Jesus of music. I'm not sure why this is. Anyway, I digress...

The point is, liking music takes too much work now. So I've decided that I simply won't.

No more updating my iPod. No more downloading songs that interest me. I'll listen to what I've already got cause I'm cheap and I paid for all that stuff and I don't believe in wasting money, but that's it! No more music. Forget Wall Street, I'm occupying my iTunes until further notice.

And all you self-proclaimed music lovers, you of the "I can't breathe without music; music is my life, my heart, and my soul, #TeamUndergroundMusic #TeamIWearCrewNeckSweatshirts #TeamI'mBetterThanYouBecauseMyFavoriteArtistHasn'tEvenBeenBornYet(#TeamWombMusic)" Twitter bios, can all take pride in having caused the destruction of my love for music. But don't worry, I'll be back. And when I am, I'm bringing these guys with me, just to piss. you. off.

S.

If Cover Letters Told the Truth

Dear Ms. Woman Who Reads 592 of These a Day and Probably Wants to Shoot Herself in the Eye,

I'm not going to lie to you. I'm not going to fill this letter with the same bunch of subtle compliments about this company that every job hunter has been told to include in order to indicate that I've researched and read up on this company and have my pick of the litter and couldn't imagine a more fascinating and exciting job opportunity than This. Exact. Job. You see, the truth is that right now I'd take pretty much any job that would allow me to pay at least the interest on my school loans and didn't involve scrubbing toilets and/or wearing a hair net. Cause that's just gross. But other than that, I'm totally open. I don't think that's asking too much.

I know in this part of the letter I'm supposed to regale you with stories of my work experience. But see, here's the thing: I ain't got none. I mean, I have summer work experience, and that totally counts (right? RIGHT?) but as for actual real-life-longer-than-two-months-going-every-day-work? Yeeeeah, not so much. But that's clearly not my fault! And actually, it's evidence of how good a worker I am; I did EXACTLY what my superiors (a.k.a. parents and teachers) told me to do. I went to school, then went to school some more, then went a little more. Now, the way I understand it, that was SUPPOSED to culminate in people like you throwing job offers at my doorstep. No one ever said anything about working a real job! How was I to know book learning wasn't enough? On the bright side, when you call me in for an interview and ask me to describe one negative attribute I possess, I've got a slam dunk answer-- "I've found that in the past I have not always looked as far outside the box as I should. But I recognize the problem and am working diligently to embrace my creative side." BAM! HOW YA LIKE ME NOW?

Let's recap. I'm young, I have little to no experience but a crap load of education, I have pretty much no idea what I want to do with my life, and your company is just one of many I'm sending this cover letter out to. There is absolutely nothing special about you except for the fact that you've yet to convert to a completely online, automated, job search system, which is why you're getting this letter in the first place (lucky me!). Additionally, I need to make at least $80,000 a year to justify attending one of the most expensive law schools in one of the most expensive cities in the country... and so the Department of Education doesn't break down my door for defaulting on my loans like this guy. I'm sure we can make this work, and I look forward to hearing from you!

Sincerely,
S.

P.S. Just found out I passed the bar, so that minimum salary requirement just went up $10k. Ok? Ok!

A Prayer

Dear God,

Thank you. Thank you for carrying me this far, for knowing my heart, and for accepting me as I am. I have my life, my health, my family, and my friends, and I am so incredibly thankful for it all.

But God, I'm scared.

I feel so... stuck. I have no idea where to go from here. I've done everything expected of me, everything I set out to do, so why do I still feel so unsure of myself? Of my abilities? Of my place in the world? I expected to end this chapter of my life in a completely different space than I'm in right now... nothing's as I thought it would be. What is my purpose? My friends are out to change the world, and I'm just trying to find something I won't hate doing everyday for the next few years. At 25, I thought the world would be my oyster, but instead I'm sitting on my mother's couch, nothing to do, terrified all I have in front of me is a sea of days just like this one and the one before it. I can't think of anything that excites me career-wise, and although I say it in a joking manner, it kills me every time someone asks me what field I'm looking to get into and my response is "one that pays" or "I'm still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up."

Lord, I don't want to joke about that. I want to be able to say confidently and assuredly that I am interested in X, Y, and Z. I've always had a plan, always had a mission, and it kills me every day that I seem to be standing at the precipice of a cliff with no where to go and no way to get there.

So God, this is my prayer.

Lord, please don't let me be afraid to step out on faith. Don't let me be so full of fear and apprehension that I miss out on the signs you put right in front of me. Let me have faith in myself and more faith that you will work things out as they should be. Let me not be afraid to fail. If I fail, Lord let me have the strength to try again. Lord, let me open my heart and my mind to all the opportunities available to me, even if they seem completely out of line with what I've taught myself I should want. Let me not be afraid to try new things, and let my fear be a motivator instead of a hindrance. Lord, help me to remember that my friends want only the best for me, and that I should rejoice in their successes, not take it as a personal affront against my own abilities.

Finally Lord, please help me to remember that everything happens when it is supposed to happen. Help me to remember that good things come to those who wait. Even when I don't understand the timeline, help me to remember that it will be OK, and I am meant to learn something every day of this experience. Lord, please just... help.

Amen.

Hello? Hello?? Is Anyone There???

Hi. My name is Samantha and I run this little corner of the world. You might have forgotten about me because I've been MIA for the past oooh.... 3.5 months or so. Sorry about that.

Actually no, I'm not sorry. Girlfriend was busy! Like, legit busy, not "oh I'd rather paint my nails or hang out with friends or cuddle with my hunkahunk of burning love" busy.

So, what have I been up to? Glad you asked!

1. I took my last set of finals EVER. No more celebrating my birthday with outlining or paper-writing! Whoop whoop! Thanks for the birthday flowers, Mom!

2. I graduated from Georgetown University Law Center. #Boom

3. I studied for and took the Michigan Bar Exam. Ten weeks of nothing but class, study, sleep. Everyday felt like Wednesday. I think my friends thought I died. My neighbor asked me in July if I had just gotten home because it was the first time he'd seen me all summer. I got back in May. It was a horrible horrible time that I hope I never have to revisit. There are no pictures of me doing this because I was too busy trying not to shoot myself in the head for deciding to become a lawyer.

Picture Courtesy of SpicyMarshmallow.blogspot.com

4. Found a Man.

HA! Fooooooled you!!!!!

5. Lost some weight. Actually, I've kind of lost a lot of weight since the last time I verbally vomited all over your computer screen. Here are some pics! P.S. Sorry for the blurriness of the pictures, the natural light was giving the flux. (hehehe, I love that saying.)

 I'm not sure where I was the last time we talked, but as of yesterday I am sitting pretty at 193 lbs. That's down 27 lbs since I started Weight Watchers (yup, still on it), and 49 lbs since I started on this weight loss journey in March 2009. Go Samma, it's your birthday, get busy ::does patented happy dance::

If you follow me on Twitter, you may remember me excitedly tweeting a couple weeks ago that I could finally put on a pair of jeans that I haven't worn since the beginning of junior year of college-- 2006, but that they were still a bit snug. Behold the transformation!

Please ignore my dirty mirror, whatever I put on it as a child permanently defaced it.

Look, no overhang!!

As you can see, the jeans legit fit now, and they are actually the only pants I currently have in my possession that don't make me look like I'm walking around with a dirty diaper on. Which, you know, is probably a good thing.

Alrighty, that's my quick update. I'll be back with a much more emo post ( I KNOW you all love those!) soonish. Studying for the bar totally suppressed my crazy, but Oh.Em.Gee. is it back. This will be fun.

S.

Do Me Right, Weight Watchers. Do Me Right.

Time for a Weight Watchers update!!

Let me tell you guys something-- I am in this win to this. Bought a food scale and everything! And, ending the day with points left makes me waaaay happier than it should. It's actually rather sad. But let's move on to the important stuff...

After five weeks on the program, I have lost 12.5 lbs!! Whoop Whoop! *Does patented happy dance*

Can you see a difference from last time?

So, that brings my weight down to 207.5.

#winning #duh

I gain weight pretty evenly and lose it the same, so I'm not sure I see much of a difference, but it's great to see the number on the scale!

I set my next goal at 198 lbs. I'm crossing my fingers that I can make it by graduation, which would be INCREDIBLE. I haven't been under 200 since the summer after my sophomore year at Michigan, guys. Mess around and have me naked out here this summer... hehehehe... ;)

Go Me!

S.

One Day I'm Going to Write Something Really Profound

And it will be AMAZING.

One day, I'm going to find the exact right words for the exact right moment and everyone will read it and cock their head to the side and squint their eyes and think.

They will think.

And then their eyes will get big and they'll take a deep breath and find themselves smiling a personal little half smile and their heart will beat a little faster or maybe flutter a bit and they'll shake their head and smile bigger or maybe bite their lip and they will feel it.

They will feel it.

And then they'll retweet it or reblog it or Facebook-like it or print it off and put it on their walls or write it in their personal journal and look at it whenever they need that feeling or that smile or those words again. And my words will have meant something and had an impact and made someone feel some kind of way and I will be happy.

One day I'm going to write something really profound. I'm going to find the exact right words for the exact right moment and I'm going to write the fuck outta those words.

And it will be epic.

S.

Fear.

Paralyzing, debilitating, all-encompassing fear.

That's what I've been feeling lately... Lately being subjective, as if I'm honest, I could probably say I've been legitimately feeling it for the greater percentage of my law school career.

It hit me today that my fear (of rejection?) is so complete that it's impacted literally every aspect of my life. It seems like I'm afraid of EVERYTHING, and I hate it. I. Hate. It. I HATE IT.

I don't know when this fear started, or why it's manifesting itself so totally now but I feel like it's taking over my life and if I don't get a hold of it now it's going to spiral out of control and I'll be the crazy cat lady featured on a "Special Episode" of Hoarders who hasn't left her house in 15 years. P.s. That show gives me the ultimate creeps.

I'm so afraid that things won't go the way I want them to that instead I do nothing. Take no chances, strike out on zero limbs... nothing.

This doesn't make sense! I know that I am accomplished. I know that I am successful. I KNOW that I'm going to be damn good at whatever I decide to do once I figure out what that is.

But I'm scared.

So scared that it's taken me over a week to work up the courage to call a successful sports agent my cousin happens to be friends with. Not to ask for a job. Not to "network". To simply ask for advice. How did you get where you are? What do you think about the path I'm taking? Realistically, I KNOW this man is going to be gracious and giving and wonderful, but in crazy Samantha World, I'm going to say something that's going to make him think I'm a complete idiot. And I just can't let that happen.

I'm so scared that I keep putting off sending my resume' out to family friends who have asked for it, because I'm afraid they'll look at it and see my lack of experience and decide there's nothing they can do for me. And I just couldn't handle it if that happened.

I'm so scared that I keep putting off working on my bar application because if I turn it in I have to actually take the test and what if I don't pass??? I don't think I could bounce back from that.

I'm scared of change because it means I have to open myself up to the possibility that things won't go the way I've planned it in my head. So instead, I hold on to the status quo for dear life, even with the knowledge that while it may be my lifeline to keep from drowning, it's also an anchor tethering me to my present, and to mediocrity, and to a life I've never envisioned myself living.

But I'm scared of the life I want. Because that life means new people, and new experiences, and new places, and new opportunities to make a fool of myself. But it also means fun, and excitement, and love, and happiness, and joy, and fulfillment, and growth, and pride. I want that.

I deserve that.

How am I supposed to conquer the world if I can't even conquer my fear?

S.

I Am A Nerd

Let me tell you why.

I don't want to go to class tomorrow. I mean, I REALLY don't want to go to class tomorrow. Not that I particularly hate my classes, I just don't feel like going through the process of learning.

So much effort, not enough payoff.

But there's a 99.98% chance that I'm going to get my behind up out of my marginally comfy bed at 6:45am and go to class tomorrow anyway. And take notes, and listen to my professors, and maybe even participate. Even though I haven't finished my reading, and I'm suffering from the worst PMS ever (TMI?? Eh... no.), and it's currently Student Appreciation Week at school which would be fine if the appreciation wasn't shown through copious amounts of ice cream, cucpcakes, candy, and other delicious sugary goodness I can't partake in. Sidebar- Why does Georgetown always put Student Appreciation Week during Lent? This is a Catholic School! Are they trying to test me as Jesus was tested? Cause if they are, they should know in advance that I'm totally failing that one. You know why? Because I literally feel BAD when I don't go to class. And not the tinge of guilt I assume most people feel when they don't do what they're supposed to do. I legitimately feel bad--racing heart, sweaty palms, butterflies in my stomach, twitchy right eye.

I blame my Mom.

See, when I was little, no one in my house took a day off. The only day my mom wouldn't go to work was on her birthday. That was it. Although, now that I think about it, my brother and I still had to go to school on our birthdays. Moms was a hypocrite!

#Anywaydoe

Like I was saying, everybody went to school and work. Unless you were highly contagious or vomiting, you went to school. And that became so ingrained in my brain that I was unable to turn it off, even when I didn't have my mom looking over my shoulder. When I was in college, I missed exactly 5 classes. Not five days of class, five class sessions. My sophomore year, this guy I had...have??... a huge crush on came up to campus for some reason and essentially needed someone to hang out with for a couple hours. I missed two classes that day, but it was clearly worth it-- even if all we did was sit on the futon and watch reruns. That could have been our moment! It wasn't, but it totally could have been. The other three class periods occurred at the end of my senior year, when I decided it was more prudent for me to work a couple extra hours then listen to my classmates give their final presentations. I think that was a good decision.

In law school, I missed one class my 1L year because of intense back pain that only allowed me to sit in one position without pain, no classes my 2L year, a week my first semester 3L year because I was in Atlanta for work, and one day this semester because I was on a plane back from Puerto Rico. That's it. No skipping class to play in the sun, or take in a baseball game, or catch up on sleep, or pretend to catch up on work.

It's so bad that I literally ask my friends... and my mom... for permission to miss class.

It's truly sad. Very, very, sad.

So with all that said... can I stay home from school tomorrow? Please??

Don't make me sit through class all day tomorrow looking like this.

S.

Quick Weight Watchers Update

Because I'm not generally as emo as I was last night....

Regardless, I want to send a huge smile and patented Sam hug* to everyone who commented and/or contacted me through other social media with kind words or expressions of commonality. Love y'all.

*I give great hugs. Forreals.

Anywho, just wanted to give you guys a quick update on my Weight Watchers journey. As of Wednesday, I've completed 2 full weeks on the program and have lost 8.5 lbs. That's a lot, yes?!? Excited!!

Remember that my initial WW goal was to lose 10lbs, so I fully intend to smash that goal. I'll probably take new pictures after a month on the program, and I can't wait to share my progress with you guys!!

Alright, that's it. I'll try to keep my crazy to a minimum in the future. But no promises.

S.

Self Esteem Issues

I'm lonely.

It's hard for me to admit this, because I know I'm supposed to be young and carefree, and having the time of my life Sex in the City style. But I'm not. I'm lonesome. I like being in a relationship--or at least my idea of an ideal relationship. Not that I've been in anything resembling my idea of an ideal relationship. I've had three boyfriends and never held hands out in public. Something seems wrong with that, doesn't it? Anyway, I digress... I like having someone to call or text just to say hi or have a random stream of consciousness conversation with, or share an inside joke that really shouldn't be funny anymore but for some inexplicable reason still cracks us up. But I don't have that.

Haven't had it for two years.

For two full years 25 months if you want to be specific, I've been utterly single. No boyfriend, no significant other, no "or something" (Q: is that your boyfriend or something? A: yeah... or something) no dates, no hookups (do black people hookup?) no kisses, no cuddles, no... nothing. Just me. And my thoughts. Which is bad, because my thoughts lead me to ugly, self-defeating places I don't like to go. Which is why I'm up right now at 1:03 a.m. writing this instead of sleeping peaceful in my bed.

Sometimes I think I'm "the Ugly Friend".

I'm sure you know how people always joke about there being one unattractive girl in each group of friends; there was even a Twitter trending topic about it a few months back. I find myself trying to take an unbiased look at myself and figure out where I really fall on the scale of attractiveness. Because there's got to be a reason that I haven't even be seriously approached by a guy in the last two years, right? Especially in DC where so many other young women seem to be having the time of their dating lives. So what else could it be? I know I'm tall, and maybe that accounts for some of it--especially in DC where there seems to be a strictly enforced height maximum of 5'10 for all men---but that can't be the determining factor, can it?

So maybe my standards are unrealistic. I mean, I look in the mirror and after critical assessment think that on a scale of 1-10, ten being Halle Berry, I'm a solid seven. I don't think that's giving myself too much credit. I have pretty nice cheekbones. And my smile gets lots of compliments, even if it is slightly gummy. But seven is above average, right? And above average women don't go on two year long dry spells. So maybe I'm not as unbiased as I purport to be. Maybe I'm more like a five. And as such, I should proportionally lower my personal "he's cute enough to give some time to" scale. Because people generally end up with people who are equal on the attractiveness scale, right?

When I was in middle school, there was a girl that all the boys liked. All of them. To this day, she's still just as gorgeous. Anyway, I remember looking at her and thinking to myself, "man, I wonder what's it like to walk into a room and have everyone there wanna get with you". Must be daunting and exhilarating and empowering all at the same time. I'm envious of people who know what that feels like.

Remember when you were in high school, maybe middle school, and you would put on your cutest outfit and cruise the mall or hang out at the movies and get hit on by little knuckleheads whose pants were too big and shirts were too long and wore sweatbands around their wrists because it was cool? And you would give them your number because, why not?

I don't remember that. It never happened to me.

No little knucklehead ever asked for my number at the mall, or the movies, or the Auto Show, or the State Fair.

Maybe that screwed me up and now I'm so unused to dealing with men that even if I am getting hit on or I can't even see it. Wouldn't that be tragic?

Remember when you were in college, and you'd go to the club with your three best girls because you'd just finished finals and you were desperate to blow off steam? And your faaaaaavorite song with the thumping bass would come on and you'd all run to the dance floor en masse because all the guys would be at the bar trying to swindle drinks out the bartender even though they were underage and you just couldn't wait for them? So you and your girls would dance and laugh and before you knew it there was a guy dancing with you, and your friend, and your friend over there?

I was always the girl left dancing by herself, trying to remember why I liked that damn song so much to begin with anyway. But maybe I'm just a bad dancer.

Sooo, yeah. I promise I'm not looking for sympathy or anything like that. But I said this blog was to keep me honest so... this is me. It's my pity party, I'll cry if I want to.

S.

I Don't Wanna Grow Up, I'm a Toys "R" Us Kid

No, that's not correct.

I definitely want to grow up. I am tired of going to school, tired of reading for school, tired of my Christmases marked by a period of extreme and irrational stress otherwise known as finals, and tired of my birthday being celebrated by a moment of euphoria for having survived another year, followed by an immediate crash back to Earth as I resume studying. Also, I've said it before and I'll say it again--law students are an odd bunch. The less time I spend around them, the better. Clearly I am the exception to the rule.

So no, I definitely don't not want to grow up.

What I do want, is to know what I want to be when I grow up.

Considering that I'll be 25 next month (!!!!!), it seems rather late in the game to figure out what I want to do for the rest of my life. The thing is, I thought I had it all figured out. When I graduated from college, I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life--go to law school (for the knowledge, not the firm job), become employed by the NBA or NFL, save all the little black boys from making a mess of their lives and ending up destitute a year after they retired. Simple. But now, I just don't know. Maybe it's because things haven't exactly worked out as planned, but I'm feeling very unsettled right now. What if I do find the dream job and realize it's NOTHING like I thought it would be and I hate it? Then what? What if I NEVER get anything close to the dream job? What in the world could I do every day for the rest of my life that I wouldn't hate for the rest of my working life?

And then I start thinking, what if what I thought I wanted to do for the rest of my life when I was 18 isn't really what I want to do for the rest of my life now? I love reading. I read more than anyone I know, especially romance novels. It is my absolute favorite pastime. Why shouldn't I pursue something in that realm as a job? Wouldn't that make me happier? I could totally run a publishing house. Or be an editor. I could do that! But I don't technically have any experience in the field, I'm not a writer, and the only one saying I could do that is me. And anyway, being an editor could've been achieved without wasting three years and approximately $120k. Wasteful.

Maybe I should've just quit faking the funk when I was in college and have become a teacher. I've always said that if teachers made more money, I'd have been an AP English teacher (so being able to live a certain lifestyle means something to me. Sue me.). And let me tell you--I would've been FANTASTIC. Effing amazing. Le Sigh.

What really worries me is that other than those things, I seriously cannot think of one job--or even one thing-- I would enjoy doing as a job. I'm sure there's something else out there, but maybe I'm lost in my panic and can't see the forest for the trees. I've never before in my life not had a set plan for what was to come next--maybe that's what's freaking me out. Truthfully, law school might have been a huge, costly mistake. Damn.

I don't know guys, I just don't know! My friends are So. Sure. about what they want out of life, and I feel like I'm still floundering around trying to figure out where I fit in. I'm fine with not L-O-V-I-N-G whatever it is I end up doing after the bar, I just don't want to hate going to work every day, you know? But on the other hand, I'm definitely a beggar at this point, and beggars can't be choosers.

What's a girl to do??

S.

New Urrms and New Legs

Did you get that reference in the title? No? Need another clue? ::sings:: It's a new dawn, a new day, a new life for meeee, and I'm feeling gooooooood! *stands pigeon-toed*

Yes people, I joined Weight Watchers! Together with my friend Jen, I signed up a couple days ago and am very excited to see how it goes. I've gotten a lot of "Sam, you don't need to lose weight!" when I tell people I've joined, which while sweet, is quantifiably not true. What is true is that I've been doing fairly well on my own. However, I'm hoping that joining now will help get me out of this rut, as well as reteach me good portion control.

For those of you who don't know how Weight Watchers works, they give you a daily point value--based on your height, weight, and how much you want to lose--that you are not supposed to exceed. Every food has a point value, so you can basically eat what you want and spread those points however you want as long as you don't exceed your point total. It's essentially calorie counting, but a lot more user-friendly.

As part of the program, you're supposed to take pictures during your first week so you can have something to compare with down the line. And since I love you guys and have completely disregarded any pride I might've had when I started this blog, I'm going to share mine with you. Keep me honest people.

Sorry about the toothpaste on the mirror, I swear I cleaned it before I took these. Guess I missed a spot. :/

You can definitely see the love handles and tummy, and those twin rolls on my back are the bane of my existence. I also took a close up of my face since you can often see weight loss in the face first. Toning up my arms is definitely on the list too. So there you go! At the start of Weight Watchers (and Lent) I am at 219. I set my goal on Weight Watchers as losing 5% of my body weight, or 10lbs, but I'm hoping to smash that over these next 13 weeks. Wish me luck!

S.

P.S. You'll see a lot more pictures on the blog now that I've got my camera, which had been out of commission since last July, working again. It's the Michigan Difference, people. Go Blue.

Lenten Season

First, a quick update: I have officially pulled myself out of my pity party and hit the gym 3 times last week. Hoping to get in a quick workout tonight to start the week off right.

OK, on to the matter at hand. If you aren't aware, next week marks the beginning of Lent. Although Lent is actually a rather profound religious undertaking in Christianity, read more here, I generally use it as a way to put a kick in my weight loss. This likely also has something to do with my current ambivalent feelings toward organized religion, but that's neither here nor there and definitely a more involved post for another time. With that said, I am looking forward to the opportunity to get all the junk I've been eating out of my system and lose a couple pounds in the process.

So what am I giving up?? Glad you asked! The list is as follows:

• All sweets (candy, cookies, cake, cupcakes, pie, ice cream, etc.)
• Fried food, especially my beloved french fries
  
• The vending machine in my building
• The 7/11 next door (except for buying water)
• Chips
• Alcohol
• Having food delivered
• Clothes shopping (not at all related to weight loss, but important nonetheless if I want to cultivate skills that will help me not have to work until I'm 67 like Suze Orman last night said we should all set as our goal retirement age)

People really think I'm crazy when I tell them what I'm giving up for lent, but it's generally not as hard as it may seem, especially since I have super supportive friends who try not to tempt me with the forbidden. Plus, I've given up numbers 1-5, and 7 for the past two years of so, so I'm kind of used to it by now. However, I will admit that this year is going to be more difficult than usual for a couple of reasons-- 1. Law school has turned me into a very slight wino, and 2. Somehow Easter managed to fall after my birthday this year. Which is crazy late and means that I'll have no cake, ice cream, or wine to help me ring in my 25th year of existence. That kinda sucks. Man, no french fries either. I'm preemptively sad. :(

Anywho, I'm sure it'll be fine and I'll just have to put off my celebrating for two weeks until I've finished school. Forever. Let the church say Amen.

I also plan to be very diligent with working out at least 4 times a week during lent, so the hope is to lose somewhere around 6-8 lbs during the 40 or so days. A pound a week is realistic, yes?

What are you giving up for lent? Food related or not, I need to know I'm not going to be alone in the struggle...

S.

Frustrated at Myself

For a multitude of reasons.

First of all, for treating this blog like a red-headed stepchild. I don't know what's up with me. I promise I have lots of interesting things to say, my laziness just seems to prevent me from taking the time to write it here. That's not OK.

Second, because I've been In. My. Feelings. for like a month straight. For my non-urban ethnic friends, that means I've been suffering through bouts of loneliness/romantic feelings or desires/self deprecation/general blah feelings. I'm seriously getting on my own nerves. It's quite annoying.

Third, and most importantly, because I've hit my biannual self-induced weight loss stagnation period. This is how it works: I get burned out on exercising, so I stop for a week. Then I get a random and sustained urge for all things sweet. So I enjoy pies and cake and candy and dessert and am happy. Then I feel like a big tub of lard so I don't exercise for another week. Then I look up and have gained 4 lbs lbs and am sad. Then the cycle repeats. Then I get back on my grind.

See how that's rather detrimental to my progress?

So that's where I am right now. At the end of January, I had gotten back down to 213. Currently, I'm back up to 220. I definitely almost lied and said I was at 218 because for some reason those two pounds seem to make a huge difference to me. But, I said I was gonna have you guys hold me accountable, and that can't really happen without me being truthful. Le sigh. SO frustrating. Especially because I know what the problem is, I know how to fix it, and I'm just not!

And can I just get something off my chest? It is sooo frustrating that it takes so much effort for me to lose weight. I mean, I know I'm not the only one in this boat, but it kills me when friends talk about how they need to lose 3 lbs so they just stop eating food X for four days and then they're fitting back in their skinnies. No working out required. Come on! In order for me to lose three lbs, I have to not eat any bad stuff and work out five days a week. For three weeks. And I don't even eat most food Xs! Why is that fair? It's not. But even more unfair is that my body won't maintain a weight without working out. I can have the best diet--no fried foods, no pop, no sweets, lots of veggies and chicken breast and water--but if I don't work out at least 3 days a week, I'm gaining weight. And I'm not an inactive person otherwise. Do you know how much that sucks? A lot. So much that I can't even think up a cute joke to put right here to lighten the mood a little. Believe me, I tried. Didn't work.

Anybody got any tips for self-motivating? I'm definitely in need.

Sorry for the pity party, but it's my blog and I'll cry if I want to.

S.

Let's Talk About Weight

Being overweight is NOT fun. Not even a little. And even if you're lucky enough to carry your weight relatively equally, such that people can't tell just HOW overweight you are, it still sucks.

So with that said, I'm going to do something I never thought I'd do in my life. Ever. Like, not even a little. I am going to tell you how much I weigh. I feel you should know that my hands are literally shaking as I write this. But first, let's start off with how much I used to weigh. Back when I was really overweight. Back when I was living alone for the first time, adjusting to living in a new city, trying to figure out and hold on to a crappy relationship, and had my first taste of thousands of dollars in loan money at my disposal. Then? Way back then? At my heaviest, say around March 2009?

242 Lbs.

Guys, I seriously just gagged writing that. Do you know how heavy that is? Oh. Em. Gee. And I was TOTALLY in denial! Yeah, I've gained a little weight, but my stomach is still pretty flat. My body is so awesome like that. Ha! Right.

Picture Time!

Ignore my gorgeous sorority sister McKenzie to the left, and instead focus on me at my heaviest. Pay close attention to how my boobies are twice the size of my head. Niiiiiice.

So that was then. Thankfully, I'm no longer at that weight. After many moons of workouts and changed eating habits, I am now down to... dun duun duuuuun...

212 Lbs. (not including the 6 I gained over Christmas break when I did absolutely ZERO working out and ate anything I could get my hands on. No worries, I shall lose that expeditiously).

Pictures!

So this is me now. Thirty pounds lighter and mighty fine if I do say so myself.

But I'm not done yet. My goal weight is 190, and I'm counting on you guys to keep me motivated, because I'm co-dependent like that. Sweet.

So, what do you say? Are you up for listening to me whine about my disdain for working out and not eating delicious desserts and candy?

....

I'll take your silence as an enthusiastic yes.

Real Life Awaits

Guys, I'm ONE semester away from graduating from law school. ONE!!

*does the patented Samantha happy dance*

In exactly 4 months, 2 weeks, and 4 days, I will be a 25 year old law school graduate. With an undergraduate degree from the 15th best university in the world. That's pretty cool. What's not cool is that if I don't Find. A. Job. I'll be living underneath an overpass with only my degree to protect me from the elements. Which is bad cause paper--even that really fancy parchment they print degrees on--is not really water resistant. Eh.

So, there's that. Buuuut, in order to get a job, I need to pass the bar AND HOLY CRAP WHY IN THE WORLD IS BAR PREP SO EXPENSIVE?!?!? I'm talking $3,000 for the privilege of

banging my head against the desk in frustration, having no life, pulling my hangnails a la Black Swan (!!!), staring at the wall plotting my own death studying 8-10 hours a day for 2 months with a bunch of freshly minted JDs. Have you ever met a law student/new JD? They generally aren't awesome people. Except for me. I'm awesome. And that doesn't even include the actual cost of the bar exam itself! At least my parents love me and are gonna pay for it. I think. Hopefully. I'm pretty sure I'll owe them each a summer house or something once I'm done though-- interest payments are a killer.

So all that to say, if anyone knows of any sport/entertainment/media related jobs I should apply for, let me know. Ok, who am I kidding-- if anyone knows of ANY jobs I should apply for, let me know. Beggars can't be choosers. Well they could, but then they'd just be an a*hole beggar, and don't beggars have enough problems to deal with? I'm sure the economy is heavily curtailing their panhandling take. Thank you kindly.

Alright, that's it. Mom's fried pork chops await and I do loves the pig.

S.

P.S. Happy New Year!