On Online Dating

Surprise!

I was not swept out to sea by Sandy, nor was I committed to the looney bin due to constant exposure to political commercials (#MyPresidentIsSTILLBlackAndNotALiarAndNotAJerkAndComesByHisTannedSkinNaturally). Nope, I've just been lazy working and didn't have shit to write about felt my time would be better spent trying not to get fired. Which I've succeeded at so far, so yay me!

But that's not why we're here today. Nay, we are here to discuss *drum roll pleeeeeeeeease* ONLINE DATING. I now have pointed observations on the subject due to my extensive (read: not quite one full month) foray into the area.

Yes, you read that correctly. Me. Online dating. Correct.

Here's the thing: I spend a lot of time bemoaning my love life. Which is kinda annoying. And sad. But mostly annoying. So I figure, I really can't justify complaining if I'm not actually doing anything to change the situation. And yes, I know all many of you have gently suggested variations of the same for many moons, but I really must reiterate the fact that at my core I'm a 643 pound woman who hasn't left her bed in 6 months and is on first name basis with every pizza/chinese/mexican/italian delivery boy in a thirty mile radius. What I'm saying is, girlfriend is lazy. So taking the time to make affirmative moves required way more effort than I was willing to expend. But I did, and it was good.

Kinda.

Good in that it's definitely making me put some effort into moisturizing my situation (!!!), but bad because oh good Lord. Without further ado, things important notes from my experience online dating:

1. Spelling and grammar are important. Indeed, they are paramount. When the first impression someone has of you are the words you write, it would probably be best if your opening sentence did not in any way resemble the following- "hi. Im a reel kool guy, jus loking four a nice yung ladie who under stands me. Ands a freeek!!"
2. You should probably not make your interest in sex the main highlight of your profile- "I love sex, and I'm real good at it. I'm real freaky so I hope you are too. As long as it's not the 3rd Saturday of the month, I'll have your ass bouncing off the walls (I've got my kids that day).
3. (Black) People really have kids hardcore by my age. I thought that might have been an urban myth, but I'm pretty sure online dating just burst me out the middle-class, college-educated bubble. Oops.
4. If you have 5 pictures, and all 5 of the pictures have other people in them, you're trying to hide your ugly. No exceptions.
5. Pictures all from the waist up? You're short. All from the chest up? You're fat. All camera phone selfies? Friendless. Undisputed. 
6. Job: "I'll tell you later" = unemployed; Education: "I'll tell you later" = high school dropout; Children: "I'll tell you later" = 4 kids, all aged 3.

I hope the preceding was useful. Now, excuse me while I go pay to do the type of internet flirting I could do for free on Black Twitter.

S.