Do Me Right, Weight Watchers. Do Me Right.

Time for a Weight Watchers update!!

Let me tell you guys something-- I am in this win to this. Bought a food scale and everything! And, ending the day with points left makes me waaaay happier than it should. It's actually rather sad. But let's move on to the important stuff...

After five weeks on the program, I have lost 12.5 lbs!! Whoop Whoop! *Does patented happy dance*

Can you see a difference from last time?

So, that brings my weight down to 207.5.

#winning #duh

I gain weight pretty evenly and lose it the same, so I'm not sure I see much of a difference, but it's great to see the number on the scale!

I set my next goal at 198 lbs. I'm crossing my fingers that I can make it by graduation, which would be INCREDIBLE. I haven't been under 200 since the summer after my sophomore year at Michigan, guys. Mess around and have me naked out here this summer... hehehehe... ;)

Go Me!

S.

One Day I'm Going to Write Something Really Profound

And it will be AMAZING.

One day, I'm going to find the exact right words for the exact right moment and everyone will read it and cock their head to the side and squint their eyes and think.

They will think.

And then their eyes will get big and they'll take a deep breath and find themselves smiling a personal little half smile and their heart will beat a little faster or maybe flutter a bit and they'll shake their head and smile bigger or maybe bite their lip and they will feel it.

They will feel it.

And then they'll retweet it or reblog it or Facebook-like it or print it off and put it on their walls or write it in their personal journal and look at it whenever they need that feeling or that smile or those words again. And my words will have meant something and had an impact and made someone feel some kind of way and I will be happy.

One day I'm going to write something really profound. I'm going to find the exact right words for the exact right moment and I'm going to write the fuck outta those words.

And it will be epic.

S.

Fear.

Paralyzing, debilitating, all-encompassing fear.

That's what I've been feeling lately... Lately being subjective, as if I'm honest, I could probably say I've been legitimately feeling it for the greater percentage of my law school career.

It hit me today that my fear (of rejection?) is so complete that it's impacted literally every aspect of my life. It seems like I'm afraid of EVERYTHING, and I hate it. I. Hate. It. I HATE IT.

I don't know when this fear started, or why it's manifesting itself so totally now but I feel like it's taking over my life and if I don't get a hold of it now it's going to spiral out of control and I'll be the crazy cat lady featured on a "Special Episode" of Hoarders who hasn't left her house in 15 years. P.s. That show gives me the ultimate creeps.

I'm so afraid that things won't go the way I want them to that instead I do nothing. Take no chances, strike out on zero limbs... nothing.

This doesn't make sense! I know that I am accomplished. I know that I am successful. I KNOW that I'm going to be damn good at whatever I decide to do once I figure out what that is.

But I'm scared.

So scared that it's taken me over a week to work up the courage to call a successful sports agent my cousin happens to be friends with. Not to ask for a job. Not to "network". To simply ask for advice. How did you get where you are? What do you think about the path I'm taking? Realistically, I KNOW this man is going to be gracious and giving and wonderful, but in crazy Samantha World, I'm going to say something that's going to make him think I'm a complete idiot. And I just can't let that happen.

I'm so scared that I keep putting off sending my resume' out to family friends who have asked for it, because I'm afraid they'll look at it and see my lack of experience and decide there's nothing they can do for me. And I just couldn't handle it if that happened.

I'm so scared that I keep putting off working on my bar application because if I turn it in I have to actually take the test and what if I don't pass??? I don't think I could bounce back from that.

I'm scared of change because it means I have to open myself up to the possibility that things won't go the way I've planned it in my head. So instead, I hold on to the status quo for dear life, even with the knowledge that while it may be my lifeline to keep from drowning, it's also an anchor tethering me to my present, and to mediocrity, and to a life I've never envisioned myself living.

But I'm scared of the life I want. Because that life means new people, and new experiences, and new places, and new opportunities to make a fool of myself. But it also means fun, and excitement, and love, and happiness, and joy, and fulfillment, and growth, and pride. I want that.

I deserve that.

How am I supposed to conquer the world if I can't even conquer my fear?

S.