Dear Ms. Woman Who Reads 592 of These a Day and Probably Wants to Shoot Herself in the Eye,
I'm not going to lie to you. I'm not going to fill this letter with the same bunch of subtle compliments about this company that every job hunter has been told to include in order to indicate that I've researched and read up on this company and have my pick of the litter and couldn't imagine a more fascinating and exciting job opportunity than This. Exact. Job. You see, the truth is that right now I'd take pretty much any job that would allow me to pay at least the interest on my school loans and didn't involve scrubbing toilets and/or wearing a hair net. Cause that's just gross. But other than that, I'm totally open. I don't think that's asking too much.
I know in this part of the letter I'm supposed to regale you with stories of my work experience. But see, here's the thing: I ain't got none. I mean, I have summer work experience, and that totally counts (right? RIGHT?) but as for actual real-life-longer-than-two-months-going-every-day-work? Yeeeeah, not so much. But that's clearly not my fault! And actually, it's evidence of how good a worker I am; I did EXACTLY what my superiors (a.k.a. parents and teachers) told me to do. I went to school, then went to school some more, then went a little more. Now, the way I understand it, that was SUPPOSED to culminate in people like you throwing job offers at my doorstep. No one ever said anything about working a real job! How was I to know book learning wasn't enough? On the bright side, when you call me in for an interview and ask me to describe one negative attribute I possess, I've got a slam dunk answer-- "I've found that in the past I have not always looked as far outside the box as I should. But I recognize the problem and am working diligently to embrace my creative side." BAM! HOW YA LIKE ME NOW?
Let's recap. I'm young, I have little to no experience but a crap load of education, I have pretty much no idea what I want to do with my life, and your company is just one of many I'm sending this cover letter out to. There is absolutely nothing special about you except for the fact that you've yet to convert to a completely online, automated, job search system, which is why you're getting this letter in the first place (lucky me!). Additionally, I need to make at least $80,000 a year to justify attending one of the most expensive law schools in one of the most expensive cities in the country... and so the Department of Education doesn't break down my door for defaulting on my loans like this guy. I'm sure we can make this work, and I look forward to hearing from you!
Sincerely,
S.
P.S. Just found out I passed the bar, so that minimum salary requirement just went up $10k. Ok? Ok!
