Gym Mullings

Some people are just stank. Some people are plain weird. And some people are outright rude. I promise you, this is never more obvious than at the gym. If you ever want to do an in depth social analysis spanning the whole of the human spectrum, just go to the gym.

But the things people do... I just don't understand. Why. Why? WHY?? Let's explore...

1. You weigh 382 lbs. Why are you on the ab machine?

Seriously, man? Seriously? Listen, I understand that building muscle is important to weight loss. I get that, right there with you. HOWEVER, there is no reason for anyone with that much extra weight to be on the ab machine. Let's focus on making sure you don't die, buddy. We can work on those washboard abs in... oh, let's say 200lbs from now. I only have about 20 lbs to lose, and I still don't mess around on the ab rocker deep muscle hitter crunchamjig. Time out, I seriously just cracked myself up. Just imagine a Rick Ross dude with all that belly, but when he pulled his shirt up, there was a six-pack hanging over his jeans. HA!! How weird would that be?!?!?! Ok, I digress... ::chuckle:: I'm just saying, let's be realistic.

2. Really Mr. Trainerman? You're just gonna roll up in here with your 3 piece wing and sides combo?

Trainers do this All. Of. The. Time. I hate them for it. You know everyone in here is trying to lose weight, and yet you, he of the 8-pack ab/gun show biceps/bounce a quarter of that booty behind, feel it necessary to walk clear across the gym with fried chicken wing in hand, trailing delicious fried food fragrance behind you. Look, we know you put in the work and should be allowed to reap the benefits. That doesn't mean you should reap the benefits in the middle of the gym when I haven't eaten anything other than string cheese, lemon water, and Fiber One bars for the past 8 days. Have a heart. Or else. All I'm saying is this--don't be mad when Mr. 382lbs gets up off that ab machine and rushes your rude entitled behind. Word.

3. You just walked in 2 minutes ago. How is it possible you smell already?

Come on now, folks. I understand the logic of not wanting to shower before you go to the gym since you're going to have to shower as soon as you get done anyway. How. Ev. Er. That logic does not apply if you already haven't showered in 5 days and/or your natural body fragrance is so freaking pungent that you've been gifted the entire Bed, Bath, and Beyond smell good (!!) collection the last three Christmases, birthdays, and Memorial Days in a row. That's just indecent. And unfair. How am I supposed to get a good workout in if I can't even breathe? Why are you undermining my progress?!??!?!

4. Why do you have on cords, a button down, and dress shoes while riding the elliptical?

I don't even know what to say about this one. It seriously just perplexes me. How is that possibly comfortable? And what was your rationale? Hmm, I really need to get a workout in, but I only have about 30 minutes for lunch. I know! I'll get back an additional 7 minutes if I forget about changing clothes and just go straight from my desk. Do you go back to your desk sweaty?? Do you blame the ring of sweat under your arms on the malfunctioning space heater under your desk? Is the crotch sweat stain (because there's always a crotch sweat stain, and if there isn't you weren't working out hard enough) blamed on the new guy in IT who came to fix your monitor this morning? I just don't get it.

5. Really? You're just gonna get on the treadmill right next to me even though there are 15 unoccupied ones in the gym and we're the only two people here?

Oh, ok. Just checking.

My people, my people.