I Hate You... Online

Since we're on the topic of social networking, let's talk about something else that really grinds my gears, Peter Griffin.

I try to be very honest and faithful to myself online. That is, I make every effort to seem, through the impression you get of me via facebook/twitter/blog, the exact same way I would seem if you were sitting directly across from me--beautiful, annoyingly slim, highly intelligent, ridiculously funny, and humble to a fault. :)

Unfortunately, 92.849% of the world does not follow this rule, and it perplexes me to no end why they don't. Even more annoying is the fact that most of the time, people seem MORE annoying through social media than they do in real life. I don't even know how this is possible. How can it be that I can spend 2 hours with you and find you exceedingly pleasant and fun to be around, but in the span of 140 characters on Twitter you've made me want to kick you in the kidneys, stab a pencil through my eye, and water-board my neighbor's cat all at the same time?

Are you going out of your way to sound like a pretentious know-it-all? Do you truly not understand that every time you tweet or update your status on facebook, some privileged 2520 in Ann Arbor stops driving his BMW in the middle of the road and starts crying because he's lost his position as the world's greatest douche?

So with that in mind, I'm offering up a few examples of how you can know if I currently hate the online version of you.

1. You tweet a celebrity congratulations on being knowledgeable about something you think is outside the general cultural reference. Ex. @kimkardashian Good looking on that Pulitzer Prize winning novel reference. I totally didn't think you were smart enough to read, much less understand AP English level writing. Go you!

2. You engage in humbly boastful status updates. Ex. Ugh, I wish all these people would stop asking me to tutor them! Like, is it my fault I got a 106% on the test? I just want to be valedictorian in peace! I knew I should've hidden my amazingly good ACT score when I got it, instead of taking pictures of it and posting it as my profile pic, tagging all my friends to it, and making it pop up in everyone's phone when they call me. GAWD, it's soooo hard being soooo smart.

3. You get upset when people respond to something you post On. A. Social. Networking. Site. Ex. @youtheidiot: Ugh, I hate tall brown girls. Like, they're just whack. @me: I mean... I'm inclined to disagree. Why do you feel that way? @youtheidiot: UMMM EXCUSE ME WORLD, JUST BECAUSE I POST SOMETHING, ON A SOCIAL NETWORKING SITE, WHERE THE POINT OF THE SITE IS TO TALK TO PEOPLE, DOESN'T MEAN I ACTUALLY WANT YOU TO RESPOND TO WHAT I'VE SAID, EVEN IF YOU AREN'T ACTUALLY ARGUING WITH ME BUT JUST MAKING A BENIGN COMMENT. DUH. But go read my blog/watch my video/buy a ticket to my play/get your hair done by cousin pookie and them anyway, k?

I hate you. I hate you all. But only internet you. Real life you is still cool peeps!

Social Network Investigation Unit, or, Is it weird I know so much about you?

Before I start, let me preface by saying that I *promise* I'm not as deranged as his post might make me sound. Seriously.

I have a crush.

Actually, I have two crushes- one a longtime issue, the other I'm convinced is simply a by-product of my unyielding single status. ::I get so loooonely, can't let just anybody hold me...:: Sorry. Anyway, these crushes have made me an EXPERT social network investigator. Facebook, twitter, blogs... wait, did I just say blogs? Is someone e-stalking me right now??? Is this real life?? Wait, what? Huh? Oh, social networking. Right. So our cultural desire to put our lives out on the Internet has made it exceedingly easy to find out all kinds of useful info about that certain someone I'm interested in at the moment. That's great.

The problem is, even though everyone cyber investigates (I prefer that term to stalking, seeing as how I'm 94.7% a lawyer and stalking is illegal...) no one is supposed to know that you've spent more time on their facebook page than 50 Tyson spends on YouTube demolishing the rap game (and that's not even his first love! He was born to be a ball player! That's skill yo). So now I find myself in these awkward situations where I'm thisclose to making a joke or referencing some obscure term said object of my affection buried in his "About Me" or 35 pages into his tagged photos, before I remember that I'm not supposed to know about that because I'm supposed to have a life. One that doesn't involve dissecting every comment left on his wall or @ on Twitter by any remotely attractive member of the opposite sex in order to determine if I'm gonna have to go all Wayne Brady on someone and slap a hoe. Cause you know, I go hard in the paint. Bow bow bow bow.

I feel like I need to keep a running list that has "Things he's told me or I could have reasonably found out through close mutual friends during general conversation" on one side, and "Things to never bring up first because it will totally show how much time you spend doodling his name with hearts around it and DEAR GOD THAT'S WEIRD" on the other. You know, just to be safe.

I know I'm not alone in my crazy.