Hello? Hello?? Is Anyone There???

Hi. My name is Samantha and I run this little corner of the world. You might have forgotten about me because I've been MIA for the past oooh.... 3.5 months or so. Sorry about that.

Actually no, I'm not sorry. Girlfriend was busy! Like, legit busy, not "oh I'd rather paint my nails or hang out with friends or cuddle with my hunkahunk of burning love" busy.

So, what have I been up to? Glad you asked!

1. I took my last set of finals EVER. No more celebrating my birthday with outlining or paper-writing! Whoop whoop! Thanks for the birthday flowers, Mom!

2. I graduated from Georgetown University Law Center. #Boom

3. I studied for and took the Michigan Bar Exam. Ten weeks of nothing but class, study, sleep. Everyday felt like Wednesday. I think my friends thought I died. My neighbor asked me in July if I had just gotten home because it was the first time he'd seen me all summer. I got back in May. It was a horrible horrible time that I hope I never have to revisit. There are no pictures of me doing this because I was too busy trying not to shoot myself in the head for deciding to become a lawyer.

Picture Courtesy of SpicyMarshmallow.blogspot.com

4. Found a Man.

HA! Fooooooled you!!!!!

5. Lost some weight. Actually, I've kind of lost a lot of weight since the last time I verbally vomited all over your computer screen. Here are some pics! P.S. Sorry for the blurriness of the pictures, the natural light was giving the flux. (hehehe, I love that saying.)

 I'm not sure where I was the last time we talked, but as of yesterday I am sitting pretty at 193 lbs. That's down 27 lbs since I started Weight Watchers (yup, still on it), and 49 lbs since I started on this weight loss journey in March 2009. Go Samma, it's your birthday, get busy ::does patented happy dance::

If you follow me on Twitter, you may remember me excitedly tweeting a couple weeks ago that I could finally put on a pair of jeans that I haven't worn since the beginning of junior year of college-- 2006, but that they were still a bit snug. Behold the transformation!

Please ignore my dirty mirror, whatever I put on it as a child permanently defaced it.

Look, no overhang!!

As you can see, the jeans legit fit now, and they are actually the only pants I currently have in my possession that don't make me look like I'm walking around with a dirty diaper on. Which, you know, is probably a good thing.

Alrighty, that's my quick update. I'll be back with a much more emo post ( I KNOW you all love those!) soonish. Studying for the bar totally suppressed my crazy, but Oh.Em.Gee. is it back. This will be fun.

S.

Do Me Right, Weight Watchers. Do Me Right.

Time for a Weight Watchers update!!

Let me tell you guys something-- I am in this win to this. Bought a food scale and everything! And, ending the day with points left makes me waaaay happier than it should. It's actually rather sad. But let's move on to the important stuff...

After five weeks on the program, I have lost 12.5 lbs!! Whoop Whoop! *Does patented happy dance*

Can you see a difference from last time?

So, that brings my weight down to 207.5.

#winning #duh

I gain weight pretty evenly and lose it the same, so I'm not sure I see much of a difference, but it's great to see the number on the scale!

I set my next goal at 198 lbs. I'm crossing my fingers that I can make it by graduation, which would be INCREDIBLE. I haven't been under 200 since the summer after my sophomore year at Michigan, guys. Mess around and have me naked out here this summer... hehehehe... ;)

Go Me!

S.

One Day I'm Going to Write Something Really Profound

And it will be AMAZING.

One day, I'm going to find the exact right words for the exact right moment and everyone will read it and cock their head to the side and squint their eyes and think.

They will think.

And then their eyes will get big and they'll take a deep breath and find themselves smiling a personal little half smile and their heart will beat a little faster or maybe flutter a bit and they'll shake their head and smile bigger or maybe bite their lip and they will feel it.

They will feel it.

And then they'll retweet it or reblog it or Facebook-like it or print it off and put it on their walls or write it in their personal journal and look at it whenever they need that feeling or that smile or those words again. And my words will have meant something and had an impact and made someone feel some kind of way and I will be happy.

One day I'm going to write something really profound. I'm going to find the exact right words for the exact right moment and I'm going to write the fuck outta those words.

And it will be epic.

S.

Fear.

Paralyzing, debilitating, all-encompassing fear.

That's what I've been feeling lately... Lately being subjective, as if I'm honest, I could probably say I've been legitimately feeling it for the greater percentage of my law school career.

It hit me today that my fear (of rejection?) is so complete that it's impacted literally every aspect of my life. It seems like I'm afraid of EVERYTHING, and I hate it. I. Hate. It. I HATE IT.

I don't know when this fear started, or why it's manifesting itself so totally now but I feel like it's taking over my life and if I don't get a hold of it now it's going to spiral out of control and I'll be the crazy cat lady featured on a "Special Episode" of Hoarders who hasn't left her house in 15 years. P.s. That show gives me the ultimate creeps.

I'm so afraid that things won't go the way I want them to that instead I do nothing. Take no chances, strike out on zero limbs... nothing.

This doesn't make sense! I know that I am accomplished. I know that I am successful. I KNOW that I'm going to be damn good at whatever I decide to do once I figure out what that is.

But I'm scared.

So scared that it's taken me over a week to work up the courage to call a successful sports agent my cousin happens to be friends with. Not to ask for a job. Not to "network". To simply ask for advice. How did you get where you are? What do you think about the path I'm taking? Realistically, I KNOW this man is going to be gracious and giving and wonderful, but in crazy Samantha World, I'm going to say something that's going to make him think I'm a complete idiot. And I just can't let that happen.

I'm so scared that I keep putting off sending my resume' out to family friends who have asked for it, because I'm afraid they'll look at it and see my lack of experience and decide there's nothing they can do for me. And I just couldn't handle it if that happened.

I'm so scared that I keep putting off working on my bar application because if I turn it in I have to actually take the test and what if I don't pass??? I don't think I could bounce back from that.

I'm scared of change because it means I have to open myself up to the possibility that things won't go the way I've planned it in my head. So instead, I hold on to the status quo for dear life, even with the knowledge that while it may be my lifeline to keep from drowning, it's also an anchor tethering me to my present, and to mediocrity, and to a life I've never envisioned myself living.

But I'm scared of the life I want. Because that life means new people, and new experiences, and new places, and new opportunities to make a fool of myself. But it also means fun, and excitement, and love, and happiness, and joy, and fulfillment, and growth, and pride. I want that.

I deserve that.

How am I supposed to conquer the world if I can't even conquer my fear?

S.

I Am A Nerd

Let me tell you why.

I don't want to go to class tomorrow. I mean, I REALLY don't want to go to class tomorrow. Not that I particularly hate my classes, I just don't feel like going through the process of learning.

So much effort, not enough payoff.

But there's a 99.98% chance that I'm going to get my behind up out of my marginally comfy bed at 6:45am and go to class tomorrow anyway. And take notes, and listen to my professors, and maybe even participate. Even though I haven't finished my reading, and I'm suffering from the worst PMS ever (TMI?? Eh... no.), and it's currently Student Appreciation Week at school which would be fine if the appreciation wasn't shown through copious amounts of ice cream, cucpcakes, candy, and other delicious sugary goodness I can't partake in. Sidebar- Why does Georgetown always put Student Appreciation Week during Lent? This is a Catholic School! Are they trying to test me as Jesus was tested? Cause if they are, they should know in advance that I'm totally failing that one. You know why? Because I literally feel BAD when I don't go to class. And not the tinge of guilt I assume most people feel when they don't do what they're supposed to do. I legitimately feel bad--racing heart, sweaty palms, butterflies in my stomach, twitchy right eye.

I blame my Mom.

See, when I was little, no one in my house took a day off. The only day my mom wouldn't go to work was on her birthday. That was it. Although, now that I think about it, my brother and I still had to go to school on our birthdays. Moms was a hypocrite!

#Anywaydoe

Like I was saying, everybody went to school and work. Unless you were highly contagious or vomiting, you went to school. And that became so ingrained in my brain that I was unable to turn it off, even when I didn't have my mom looking over my shoulder. When I was in college, I missed exactly 5 classes. Not five days of class, five class sessions. My sophomore year, this guy I had...have??... a huge crush on came up to campus for some reason and essentially needed someone to hang out with for a couple hours. I missed two classes that day, but it was clearly worth it-- even if all we did was sit on the futon and watch reruns. That could have been our moment! It wasn't, but it totally could have been. The other three class periods occurred at the end of my senior year, when I decided it was more prudent for me to work a couple extra hours then listen to my classmates give their final presentations. I think that was a good decision.

In law school, I missed one class my 1L year because of intense back pain that only allowed me to sit in one position without pain, no classes my 2L year, a week my first semester 3L year because I was in Atlanta for work, and one day this semester because I was on a plane back from Puerto Rico. That's it. No skipping class to play in the sun, or take in a baseball game, or catch up on sleep, or pretend to catch up on work.

It's so bad that I literally ask my friends... and my mom... for permission to miss class.

It's truly sad. Very, very, sad.

So with all that said... can I stay home from school tomorrow? Please??

Don't make me sit through class all day tomorrow looking like this.

S.

Quick Weight Watchers Update

Because I'm not generally as emo as I was last night....

Regardless, I want to send a huge smile and patented Sam hug* to everyone who commented and/or contacted me through other social media with kind words or expressions of commonality. Love y'all.

*I give great hugs. Forreals.

Anywho, just wanted to give you guys a quick update on my Weight Watchers journey. As of Wednesday, I've completed 2 full weeks on the program and have lost 8.5 lbs. That's a lot, yes?!? Excited!!

Remember that my initial WW goal was to lose 10lbs, so I fully intend to smash that goal. I'll probably take new pictures after a month on the program, and I can't wait to share my progress with you guys!!

Alright, that's it. I'll try to keep my crazy to a minimum in the future. But no promises.

S.

Self Esteem Issues

I'm lonely.

It's hard for me to admit this, because I know I'm supposed to be young and carefree, and having the time of my life Sex in the City style. But I'm not. I'm lonesome. I like being in a relationship--or at least my idea of an ideal relationship. Not that I've been in anything resembling my idea of an ideal relationship. I've had three boyfriends and never held hands out in public. Something seems wrong with that, doesn't it? Anyway, I digress... I like having someone to call or text just to say hi or have a random stream of consciousness conversation with, or share an inside joke that really shouldn't be funny anymore but for some inexplicable reason still cracks us up. But I don't have that.

Haven't had it for two years.

For two full years 25 months if you want to be specific, I've been utterly single. No boyfriend, no significant other, no "or something" (Q: is that your boyfriend or something? A: yeah... or something) no dates, no hookups (do black people hookup?) no kisses, no cuddles, no... nothing. Just me. And my thoughts. Which is bad, because my thoughts lead me to ugly, self-defeating places I don't like to go. Which is why I'm up right now at 1:03 a.m. writing this instead of sleeping peaceful in my bed.

Sometimes I think I'm "the Ugly Friend".

I'm sure you know how people always joke about there being one unattractive girl in each group of friends; there was even a Twitter trending topic about it a few months back. I find myself trying to take an unbiased look at myself and figure out where I really fall on the scale of attractiveness. Because there's got to be a reason that I haven't even be seriously approached by a guy in the last two years, right? Especially in DC where so many other young women seem to be having the time of their dating lives. So what else could it be? I know I'm tall, and maybe that accounts for some of it--especially in DC where there seems to be a strictly enforced height maximum of 5'10 for all men---but that can't be the determining factor, can it?

So maybe my standards are unrealistic. I mean, I look in the mirror and after critical assessment think that on a scale of 1-10, ten being Halle Berry, I'm a solid seven. I don't think that's giving myself too much credit. I have pretty nice cheekbones. And my smile gets lots of compliments, even if it is slightly gummy. But seven is above average, right? And above average women don't go on two year long dry spells. So maybe I'm not as unbiased as I purport to be. Maybe I'm more like a five. And as such, I should proportionally lower my personal "he's cute enough to give some time to" scale. Because people generally end up with people who are equal on the attractiveness scale, right?

When I was in middle school, there was a girl that all the boys liked. All of them. To this day, she's still just as gorgeous. Anyway, I remember looking at her and thinking to myself, "man, I wonder what's it like to walk into a room and have everyone there wanna get with you". Must be daunting and exhilarating and empowering all at the same time. I'm envious of people who know what that feels like.

Remember when you were in high school, maybe middle school, and you would put on your cutest outfit and cruise the mall or hang out at the movies and get hit on by little knuckleheads whose pants were too big and shirts were too long and wore sweatbands around their wrists because it was cool? And you would give them your number because, why not?

I don't remember that. It never happened to me.

No little knucklehead ever asked for my number at the mall, or the movies, or the Auto Show, or the State Fair.

Maybe that screwed me up and now I'm so unused to dealing with men that even if I am getting hit on or I can't even see it. Wouldn't that be tragic?

Remember when you were in college, and you'd go to the club with your three best girls because you'd just finished finals and you were desperate to blow off steam? And your faaaaaavorite song with the thumping bass would come on and you'd all run to the dance floor en masse because all the guys would be at the bar trying to swindle drinks out the bartender even though they were underage and you just couldn't wait for them? So you and your girls would dance and laugh and before you knew it there was a guy dancing with you, and your friend, and your friend over there?

I was always the girl left dancing by herself, trying to remember why I liked that damn song so much to begin with anyway. But maybe I'm just a bad dancer.

Sooo, yeah. I promise I'm not looking for sympathy or anything like that. But I said this blog was to keep me honest so... this is me. It's my pity party, I'll cry if I want to.

S.