Epiphany.

I spend too much a lot of time talking about my relationship woes on this here blog.
But driving home today, I had a God honest epiphany about that facet of my life.

God was protecting me.

(FYI, there's no joke coming. This is not a post full of the funnies.)

I try to be very honest with you all here, but there are some parts of my life, my past, that I will never share here. Parts that I have never shared with anyone. 

But I will say this-- I made some poor decisions in my young adult life. Decisions that could have had disastrous results for my health, safety, and emotional well-being. And truthfully, I continued making variations of those poor decisions up until the end of my last "relationship"-- less dangerous to my physical safety, but just as detrimental to my emotional security. 

I've been honest here that, for a myriad of reasons (chief of which is my extreme distaste for getting up and out the house before noon on a Sunday, but y'all already knew I was lazy) I'm not a regular church-goer. But that does not negate the fact that I fully believe in God, talk to God daily, and pray about what's going on in my life. So it's odd that it took me so long to see what was directly in front of my face-- I wasn't in a relationship because I wasn't READY to be in a relationship.

And I don't mean "ready" in the way women talk about being ready. *cue India.Arie* I don't mean I wasn't ready because I was having fun dating and hanging out and didn't want to commit.

I mean I wasn't ready in that I was self-destructive. I accepted anything, justified being treated poorly.... I had on blinders. I made poor decisions. I was so caught up in my crazy that even my daydreams about relationships inevitably featured a traumatic breakup followed by an epic reunion. That was my idea of what love meant.

To be blunt, I was ripe for an abusive relationship.

Thank GOD, that was never the case. I wasn't always treated well (who is?), but I was never harmed physically, emotionally, or mentally. And for that, I thank God everyday.

So when I say God protected me, I mean he literally protected me. From stupid, painful, dangerous decisions. I could have learned through trial by fire, but God is a merciful God and saved me from my own fool self. Instead, he took me totally out of the way of harm. I didn't understand it before, but oh boy it hit me like a stack of bricks today.

I am not an ugly woman. I dress fairly nicely, I smile freely, and my hair looks kinda cool the majority of the time. But in the past 4.5 years, I've not been approached once on the street, or at Target, or at the bookstore. I didn't understand how that was possible. There are women out here looking like who shot Dracula, why, and what for, and please don't do it again -- and I'm dateless???

I realize now I had to be fully removed from that situation to heal. It was not something I did intentionally. It wasn't even something I realized was happening. But... things are different now. It's hard to explain, but I'm different at the core. So, thank you God. You protected me when I didn't even realize I needed protection.

S.

If Cover Letters Told the Truth

Dear Ms. Woman Who Reads 592 of These a Day and Probably Wants to Shoot Herself in the Eye,

I'm not going to lie to you. I'm not going to fill this letter with the same bunch of subtle compliments about this company that every job hunter has been told to include in order to indicate that I've researched and read up on this company and have my pick of the litter and couldn't imagine a more fascinating and exciting job opportunity than This. Exact. Job. You see, the truth is that right now I'd take pretty much any job that would allow me to pay at least the interest on my school loans and didn't involve scrubbing toilets and/or wearing a hair net. Cause that's just gross. But other than that, I'm totally open. I don't think that's asking too much.

I know in this part of the letter I'm supposed to regale you with stories of my work experience. But see, here's the thing: I ain't got none. I mean, I have summer work experience, and that totally counts (right? RIGHT?) but as for actual real-life-longer-than-two-months-going-every-day-work? Yeeeeah, not so much. But that's clearly not my fault! And actually, it's evidence of how good a worker I am; I did EXACTLY what my superiors (a.k.a. parents and teachers) told me to do. I went to school, then went to school some more, then went a little more. Now, the way I understand it, that was SUPPOSED to culminate in people like you throwing job offers at my doorstep. No one ever said anything about working a real job! How was I to know book learning wasn't enough? On the bright side, when you call me in for an interview and ask me to describe one negative attribute I possess, I've got a slam dunk answer-- "I've found that in the past I have not always looked as far outside the box as I should. But I recognize the problem and am working diligently to embrace my creative side." BAM! HOW YA LIKE ME NOW?

Let's recap. I'm young, I have little to no experience but a crap load of education, I have pretty much no idea what I want to do with my life, and your company is just one of many I'm sending this cover letter out to. There is absolutely nothing special about you except for the fact that you've yet to convert to a completely online, automated, job search system, which is why you're getting this letter in the first place (lucky me!). Additionally, I need to make at least $80,000 a year to justify attending one of the most expensive law schools in one of the most expensive cities in the country... and so the Department of Education doesn't break down my door for defaulting on my loans like this guy. I'm sure we can make this work, and I look forward to hearing from you!

Sincerely,
S.

P.S. Just found out I passed the bar, so that minimum salary requirement just went up $10k. Ok? Ok!

A Prayer

Dear God,

Thank you. Thank you for carrying me this far, for knowing my heart, and for accepting me as I am. I have my life, my health, my family, and my friends, and I am so incredibly thankful for it all.

But God, I'm scared.

I feel so... stuck. I have no idea where to go from here. I've done everything expected of me, everything I set out to do, so why do I still feel so unsure of myself? Of my abilities? Of my place in the world? I expected to end this chapter of my life in a completely different space than I'm in right now... nothing's as I thought it would be. What is my purpose? My friends are out to change the world, and I'm just trying to find something I won't hate doing everyday for the next few years. At 25, I thought the world would be my oyster, but instead I'm sitting on my mother's couch, nothing to do, terrified all I have in front of me is a sea of days just like this one and the one before it. I can't think of anything that excites me career-wise, and although I say it in a joking manner, it kills me every time someone asks me what field I'm looking to get into and my response is "one that pays" or "I'm still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up."

Lord, I don't want to joke about that. I want to be able to say confidently and assuredly that I am interested in X, Y, and Z. I've always had a plan, always had a mission, and it kills me every day that I seem to be standing at the precipice of a cliff with no where to go and no way to get there.

So God, this is my prayer.

Lord, please don't let me be afraid to step out on faith. Don't let me be so full of fear and apprehension that I miss out on the signs you put right in front of me. Let me have faith in myself and more faith that you will work things out as they should be. Let me not be afraid to fail. If I fail, Lord let me have the strength to try again. Lord, let me open my heart and my mind to all the opportunities available to me, even if they seem completely out of line with what I've taught myself I should want. Let me not be afraid to try new things, and let my fear be a motivator instead of a hindrance. Lord, help me to remember that my friends want only the best for me, and that I should rejoice in their successes, not take it as a personal affront against my own abilities.

Finally Lord, please help me to remember that everything happens when it is supposed to happen. Help me to remember that good things come to those who wait. Even when I don't understand the timeline, help me to remember that it will be OK, and I am meant to learn something every day of this experience. Lord, please just... help.

Amen.

One Day I'm Going to Write Something Really Profound

And it will be AMAZING.

One day, I'm going to find the exact right words for the exact right moment and everyone will read it and cock their head to the side and squint their eyes and think.

They will think.

And then their eyes will get big and they'll take a deep breath and find themselves smiling a personal little half smile and their heart will beat a little faster or maybe flutter a bit and they'll shake their head and smile bigger or maybe bite their lip and they will feel it.

They will feel it.

And then they'll retweet it or reblog it or Facebook-like it or print it off and put it on their walls or write it in their personal journal and look at it whenever they need that feeling or that smile or those words again. And my words will have meant something and had an impact and made someone feel some kind of way and I will be happy.

One day I'm going to write something really profound. I'm going to find the exact right words for the exact right moment and I'm going to write the fuck outta those words.

And it will be epic.

S.

Lenten Season

First, a quick update: I have officially pulled myself out of my pity party and hit the gym 3 times last week. Hoping to get in a quick workout tonight to start the week off right.

OK, on to the matter at hand. If you aren't aware, next week marks the beginning of Lent. Although Lent is actually a rather profound religious undertaking in Christianity, read more here, I generally use it as a way to put a kick in my weight loss. This likely also has something to do with my current ambivalent feelings toward organized religion, but that's neither here nor there and definitely a more involved post for another time. With that said, I am looking forward to the opportunity to get all the junk I've been eating out of my system and lose a couple pounds in the process.

So what am I giving up?? Glad you asked! The list is as follows:

• All sweets (candy, cookies, cake, cupcakes, pie, ice cream, etc.)
• Fried food, especially my beloved french fries
  
• The vending machine in my building
• The 7/11 next door (except for buying water)
• Chips
• Alcohol
• Having food delivered
• Clothes shopping (not at all related to weight loss, but important nonetheless if I want to cultivate skills that will help me not have to work until I'm 67 like Suze Orman last night said we should all set as our goal retirement age)

People really think I'm crazy when I tell them what I'm giving up for lent, but it's generally not as hard as it may seem, especially since I have super supportive friends who try not to tempt me with the forbidden. Plus, I've given up numbers 1-5, and 7 for the past two years of so, so I'm kind of used to it by now. However, I will admit that this year is going to be more difficult than usual for a couple of reasons-- 1. Law school has turned me into a very slight wino, and 2. Somehow Easter managed to fall after my birthday this year. Which is crazy late and means that I'll have no cake, ice cream, or wine to help me ring in my 25th year of existence. That kinda sucks. Man, no french fries either. I'm preemptively sad. :(

Anywho, I'm sure it'll be fine and I'll just have to put off my celebrating for two weeks until I've finished school. Forever. Let the church say Amen.

I also plan to be very diligent with working out at least 4 times a week during lent, so the hope is to lose somewhere around 6-8 lbs during the 40 or so days. A pound a week is realistic, yes?

What are you giving up for lent? Food related or not, I need to know I'm not going to be alone in the struggle...

S.