Epiphany.

I spend too much a lot of time talking about my relationship woes on this here blog.
But driving home today, I had a God honest epiphany about that facet of my life.

God was protecting me.

(FYI, there's no joke coming. This is not a post full of the funnies.)

I try to be very honest with you all here, but there are some parts of my life, my past, that I will never share here. Parts that I have never shared with anyone. 

But I will say this-- I made some poor decisions in my young adult life. Decisions that could have had disastrous results for my health, safety, and emotional well-being. And truthfully, I continued making variations of those poor decisions up until the end of my last "relationship"-- less dangerous to my physical safety, but just as detrimental to my emotional security. 

I've been honest here that, for a myriad of reasons (chief of which is my extreme distaste for getting up and out the house before noon on a Sunday, but y'all already knew I was lazy) I'm not a regular church-goer. But that does not negate the fact that I fully believe in God, talk to God daily, and pray about what's going on in my life. So it's odd that it took me so long to see what was directly in front of my face-- I wasn't in a relationship because I wasn't READY to be in a relationship.

And I don't mean "ready" in the way women talk about being ready. *cue India.Arie* I don't mean I wasn't ready because I was having fun dating and hanging out and didn't want to commit.

I mean I wasn't ready in that I was self-destructive. I accepted anything, justified being treated poorly.... I had on blinders. I made poor decisions. I was so caught up in my crazy that even my daydreams about relationships inevitably featured a traumatic breakup followed by an epic reunion. That was my idea of what love meant.

To be blunt, I was ripe for an abusive relationship.

Thank GOD, that was never the case. I wasn't always treated well (who is?), but I was never harmed physically, emotionally, or mentally. And for that, I thank God everyday.

So when I say God protected me, I mean he literally protected me. From stupid, painful, dangerous decisions. I could have learned through trial by fire, but God is a merciful God and saved me from my own fool self. Instead, he took me totally out of the way of harm. I didn't understand it before, but oh boy it hit me like a stack of bricks today.

I am not an ugly woman. I dress fairly nicely, I smile freely, and my hair looks kinda cool the majority of the time. But in the past 4.5 years, I've not been approached once on the street, or at Target, or at the bookstore. I didn't understand how that was possible. There are women out here looking like who shot Dracula, why, and what for, and please don't do it again -- and I'm dateless???

I realize now I had to be fully removed from that situation to heal. It was not something I did intentionally. It wasn't even something I realized was happening. But... things are different now. It's hard to explain, but I'm different at the core. So, thank you God. You protected me when I didn't even realize I needed protection.

S.

Things I've Learned

1. Law school does not teach you how to be a lawyer. Maybe it teaches you how to think like a lawyer, but I could have went to paralegal school for that and saved $200,000. So, thanks for that, Georgetown. Much appreciated.

2. Law firms like to give you lots and lots of free alcohol and free (bad for you) food.

3. Lots of free alcohol + lots of free (bad for you) food = Lots of non-free shopping because you've gained too much weight to fit into your formerly "skinny" clothes. Damn it.

4. Do. Not. Piss. Off. The. Secretaries.

5. Running 3.1 miles is doable!

6. Running 3.1 miles with a blister is less doable.

7. Blister gel/cream preventer stuff does not work.

8. There are exactly 16 Black people in my firm. Total.

9. It's so easy to spend money when you've got money.

10. Don't ever take a job where you have to bill hours. Trust me on this.

11. It is totally appropriate to wear flat jeweled sandals to the club in June, and don't let anyone tell you differently.

12. Rooftop parties are fun.

13. Walking through an alley that smells like a schizophrenic homeless woman's underwear to get to said rooftop party is not fun.

14. The attractive, Black, cool, male lawyer is not totally an urban legend. If only I could remember his name...

15. As long as you look busy and type furiously, no one will bother you while you're on your computer at work. Even if you're blogging.

Happy Friday!

S.

P.S.- 16. Three day weekends should be mandatory.

Happy New Year!

This post is a bit premature, as it's only 10:35p.m. in my neck of the woods, but I figure since I'm already on my second glass of wine (and feeling it!) I should probably get this post in the books before I lose the hand/eye coordination to efficiently do so.

As I tweeted a bit earlier, 2011 was really good to me (even if my posts here lead you to believe otherwise). I graduated from an amazing law school, studied my butt off for the bar, passed the bar, and accepted a job with one of the top firms in Michigan. I really can't complain... too much. But with that said, I'm expecting 2012 to be even better! So, I decided instead of doing resolutions that I may or may not keep, I would write out a list of things I want from 2012. And because I have no filter, I've decided to share this list, in its entirety, with all of you. Without further ado...

What I want from 2012

1. To use my fear as inspiration to ROCK this new job!

2. To try new things I'm uncomfortable with, just to say I did. Who knows, I may love it!

3. Get down to, and stay at, 180 pounds.

4. Save heartily (but spend frivolously at least once a quarter).

5. Go on a date.

6. Fall in love, even if only for a week. :)

7. Take a trip somewhere I've never been before.

8. Don't be afraid to SHINE!

9. Visit DC, Atlanta, and Chicago --> Nourish my friendships!

10. Do something really nice and unexpected for Mommy.

11. Become familiar with and comfortable navigating downtown.

12. Laugh more, and sweat the small stuff less.

13. Be wholly, unequivocally, undeniably, unapologetically ME!

If I don't get to everything, that's totally ok, but at least it gives me something to strive for.

In the spirit of full disclosure, after reading this blog, I also wrote out a list of everything I could possibly want in a man. Now, clearly no man on this overcrowded, polluted, amazing, beautiful earth is going to have everything on this (extensive) list, but it's nice to really think about what's important to me, what I'm looking for superficially, and what I actually don't need. At midnight I'm going to burn both lists, kind of as a way to get them into the atmosphere. Anyway, I'm not going to recreate the "Man" list for you guys in total here because, crazy as it may seem, I do have some pride, but I will leave you with a few randomly selected excerpts:

2. NICE. To me, to others, to strangers, and to himself.

6. Thinks I'm beautiful, and makes me think so too.

11. Has. A. Job. (with opportunity for advancement)

13. Comes from a good, solid, stable family (who love me!)

21. Unselfish in all things

25. Sexy --> Makes me nervous and gives me butterflies.

28. Engaged in the democratic process.

34. Likes my friends, and vice versa.

40. Faithful

Before I get out of here, I just want to say a really big thank you to everyone who has read this little corner of the internets, commented, left me a facebook message, emailed, texted, stopped me in person, whatever! I'm so glad to know I'm not the only one hiding their crazy from the masses, and I promise to expose more of my crazy (and less of my emo) in the new year. Love y'all!

Happy New Year guys, hope 2012 brings you all you desire!

S.