The More Things Change...

The fatter I get.

You totally weren't expecting that, were you? I'm sneaky like that.

So, I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but my body basically hates me. And by hates I mean in purely superficial ways like OMG I KEEP GAINING WEIGHT WHAT THE FUCK AND MY FACE LOOKS SHITTY AND MY HAIR WON'T GROW AND NO ONE IS EVER GOING TO LOVE ME AND I'M GONNA DIE ALONE.

In a nutshell.

How sick does it make me that I legitimately fantasize about having a diagnosable disease to justify my weight gain and/or getting punched in the face so hard I have to have my jaw wired shut so I'm forced to lose weight? Really, on a scale of 1-10, is that more or less than a 9? I'm thinking 8.2 (I mean, it's not like I'm considering actually not eating 'cause... cake) but I'm biased. Whatevs.

In other news, my job still employs me, so that's cool. I'm also still single, but also still child, STD, and stalker free, so win.

Also, I'm writing a book.

Well, ok, I'm going to write a book. I haven't actually started, but I have the idea. Kinda. Actually...

Look, I'm gonna write a book, ok? Ok. Think Bridget Jones' Diary + shit that applies to Black people. And in this book Black is gonna be capitalized all the fucking time because mine.

I hope you guys will read it. Or at least don't and say you did.

Peace out, homie.
S.

Truth Time

I've gained back approximately 20 of the pounds I lost in 2011 since I started work.

I'm having skin issues for the first time in my life and my face looks like crap.

Lonely.

Tired of hearing myself say I'm lonely, tired of typing it out here, tired of worrying about it.

I live vicariously through romance novels.

I don't have a fair pair of jeans.

I don't have any outfit I can put on that makes me feel gorgeous.

I sit at home most weekend nights.

My mother is my most constant companion.

I feel like everyone is progressing in their lives except for me.

I miss DC.

I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up.

I hate that no matter how much I work out, if I don't eat perfectly I gain weight.

I hate that I already know I'll have to work out and eat blandly for the rest of my life or else I'll blow up like a balloon.

I wish I were funnier.

I do not know how to flirt.

I am sick of hearing myself whine.

I'm always surprised when my superiors tell em they think I'm good at my job.

I'm still waiting to go on a great adventure.

My mother unexpectedly cleaned my bedroom for me and she found absolutely nothing dirty, awkward, naughty, or scandalous. I don't know whether to be proud or ashamed.

My crazy is crazier than ever.

S.

Happy New Year!

This post is a bit premature, as it's only 10:35p.m. in my neck of the woods, but I figure since I'm already on my second glass of wine (and feeling it!) I should probably get this post in the books before I lose the hand/eye coordination to efficiently do so.

As I tweeted a bit earlier, 2011 was really good to me (even if my posts here lead you to believe otherwise). I graduated from an amazing law school, studied my butt off for the bar, passed the bar, and accepted a job with one of the top firms in Michigan. I really can't complain... too much. But with that said, I'm expecting 2012 to be even better! So, I decided instead of doing resolutions that I may or may not keep, I would write out a list of things I want from 2012. And because I have no filter, I've decided to share this list, in its entirety, with all of you. Without further ado...

What I want from 2012

1. To use my fear as inspiration to ROCK this new job!

2. To try new things I'm uncomfortable with, just to say I did. Who knows, I may love it!

3. Get down to, and stay at, 180 pounds.

4. Save heartily (but spend frivolously at least once a quarter).

5. Go on a date.

6. Fall in love, even if only for a week. :)

7. Take a trip somewhere I've never been before.

8. Don't be afraid to SHINE!

9. Visit DC, Atlanta, and Chicago --> Nourish my friendships!

10. Do something really nice and unexpected for Mommy.

11. Become familiar with and comfortable navigating downtown.

12. Laugh more, and sweat the small stuff less.

13. Be wholly, unequivocally, undeniably, unapologetically ME!

If I don't get to everything, that's totally ok, but at least it gives me something to strive for.

In the spirit of full disclosure, after reading this blog, I also wrote out a list of everything I could possibly want in a man. Now, clearly no man on this overcrowded, polluted, amazing, beautiful earth is going to have everything on this (extensive) list, but it's nice to really think about what's important to me, what I'm looking for superficially, and what I actually don't need. At midnight I'm going to burn both lists, kind of as a way to get them into the atmosphere. Anyway, I'm not going to recreate the "Man" list for you guys in total here because, crazy as it may seem, I do have some pride, but I will leave you with a few randomly selected excerpts:

2. NICE. To me, to others, to strangers, and to himself.

6. Thinks I'm beautiful, and makes me think so too.

11. Has. A. Job. (with opportunity for advancement)

13. Comes from a good, solid, stable family (who love me!)

21. Unselfish in all things

25. Sexy --> Makes me nervous and gives me butterflies.

28. Engaged in the democratic process.

34. Likes my friends, and vice versa.

40. Faithful

Before I get out of here, I just want to say a really big thank you to everyone who has read this little corner of the internets, commented, left me a facebook message, emailed, texted, stopped me in person, whatever! I'm so glad to know I'm not the only one hiding their crazy from the masses, and I promise to expose more of my crazy (and less of my emo) in the new year. Love y'all!

Happy New Year guys, hope 2012 brings you all you desire!

S.